little nugget, letter three.

10/20/2013

Nugget,

This has been such a joyful weekend!  On Friday, your dad and I went to our 14 week appointment for an ultrasound.  The doctor couldn’t find your heartbeat and after 10 painfully scary minutes, we were able to see you on a sonogram.  There is no way to describe the emotions at seen you for the first time.  We saw your little feet, your hands making fists, the shadow of your face, your spine and your strong heart beating.  It moves me to tears thinking about it right now.  I cannot believe you are real sometimes!

Immediately after the appointment, once we were sure everything was okay, we formally “announced” we were pregnant.  This didn’t come as a shock to too many people, since your dad and I are terrible at keeping secrets about ourselves.  There have been so many people praying for you, little one, and so many people that are celebrating your health and growth.  You are one loved little baby.  It is so exciting to be past the first trimester and feel so much of the fear and anxiety be replaced with excitement, hope and joy!

“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him.” 1 Samuel 1:27

have continued to take it easy on me—thank you!  I was nauseous and tired until about last week, but now I am on the upswing.  Right now I’m loving grapefruit and oranges – or anything citrus, really, which is fitting, as you are about the size of a navel orange right now.  We cannot wait to find out if you are our little boy or little girl.  Momma is putting her official guess in for boy but of course will be thrilled no matter what! 

Little one, I hope I never forget the anticipation of meeting you in April, I feel so lucky to be your Momma.

I love you forever and ever.

little nugget, letter two.

10/20/13 - We formally "announced" we were pregnant on Friday, 10/18.  I've been writing since we found out on August 9 but didn't want to post until we made it past the first trimester.  Today I am 14 weeks and 2 days pregnant with my little nugget, and all seems healthy and on track.  Here are several posts and letters from the past three months.

9/22/13

Little one,

What a precious birthday gift it was for me to hear your heartbeat on the ultrasound during our appointment Friday.  It was the sweetest sound in the world to hear your strong 164 beats per minute.  The doctor was able to find the heartbeat quickly and your dad and I both had tears in our eyes.  You are such a blessing and a miracle.

There has been much anxiety for me between the first time we got to see you and the second time.  So much can happen, so much can go wrong.  Your dad has been the best about reminding me that I have no control.  God knows exactly how our family should work out.  While I pray every day that I get to meet you in April, I have complete confidence in our loving Father, our perfect Creator that there is a divine plan so much greater than I could ever imagine.

Momma is really working on her worry and anxiety.  God is using you to stretch me in ways I never thought imaginable.  I am learning to be intentional, to savor every single minute I get to spend with you – something I pray I do not forget when you are in my arms and growing so quickly.  I am learning to accept myself, give grace to myself for not being perfect or having it all together.  I hate that there is so much fear and loss of innocence around these first few months, little one.  I hope you know how over the moon excited I am to be your Momma and that nothing overshadows that.  No matter what happens, God has used you to help redeem hope inside of me.  Thank you so much little one.  I cannot wait to meet you!

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

I love you forever and ever.

Momma   

little nugget, letter one.

10/20/13 - We formally "announced" we were pregnant on Friday, 10/18.  I've been writing since we found out on August 9 but didn't want to post until we made it past the first trimester.  Today I am 14 weeks and 2 days pregnant with my little nugget, and all seems healthy and on track.  Here are several posts and letters from the past three months.

8/29/13

Precious nugget,

It has been 20 days since we found out you existed and sometimes I have to keep reminding myself this isn’t a dream—you really are in there growing tiny ears and hands and feet!   I have wanted to write you a letter since your dad and I got the positive pregnancy test, but Momma has been scared.  A little scared to get too attached and then lose you.  Precious one, I don’t want to live that way and my prayer for you is that you don’t live in fear on this earth.  I want to enjoy every minute I have with you—pregnancy all the way through watching you have children of your own one day, God willing.  Little one, we are so unbelievably excited knowing you are ours.

Your dad and I found out on a Friday morning that you were going to join our family.  Momma got up for a run with Sadie and could hardly make it around the block.  I came home and felt off so took a test—much to my surprise it was positive!  I ran over to tell your dad who was still fast asleep and told him we were pregnant.  He rolled over, looked at me, gave me a hug and then said “wait, what??”  That is the fastest I have ever seen him get out of bed!

After we found out we told family and close friends so they could be praying for you, little one. You have the best prayer warriors we could ask for.  On Monday, 8/26, we had our first doctor’s appointment.  Your dad and I prayed all the way from the car to the waiting room for you and the happiest of tears ran down my face as we saw you on the sonogram and heard your strong 119 beats/minute heartbeat.  That is the sweetest sound, little one.  Don’t tell your dad, but he shed a tear or two as well.

You are going pretty easy on me so far—a little nausea but nothing I can really complain about.  All I’m craving right now is sweets and carbs and your dad keeps telling me to eat them!  You better learn to love your stroller so we can work off this baby weight, little one.  I am counting down the days until April when I can hold you in my arms.

Momma loves you more than I can tell you.  Forever and ever.

Momma

week seven.

10/20/13 - We formally "announced" we were pregnant on Friday, 10/18.  I've been writing since we found out on August 9 but didn't want to post until we made it past the first trimester.  Today I am 14 weeks and 2 days pregnant with my little nugget, and all seems healthy and on track.  Here are several posts and letters from the past three months.

This week I have officially known I was pregnant longer than my first pregnancy and have made it past the point when we lost the baby at the end of January.  I wanted so badly to write letters to this little nugget as I started to in the last pregnancy but I couldn’t bring myself to do it until I passed this “milestone.”  There are so many emotions, I don’t even know where to start. 

Hope

Excitement

Anxiousness

Joy

Fear

Happiness

Loss

It’s a strange feeling to know that if everything had worked out in my last pregnancy I wouldn’t have the child growing inside me who I hope to meet in April.  How do you reconcile the sadness at the loss of one baby with the excitement and hope for another?  It almost feels like picking favorites.  In some ways I almost feel guilty, like having this baby is forgetting the first. 

Then I stop and remind myself that God has a PERFECT plan for me and for our family.  Whatever child He blesses us with is the exact child he planned for Newton and I to be parents to on this earth.  Sometimes we don’t understand His ways, His reasoning, His timing but we can be assured He knows best.  We have but a short glimpse with this life of the eternity God can see. 

Overall, though, the emotion I feel the most is hope.  Everything about this pregnancy feels different and right in a way.  I was with Newton when I found out we were pregnant, I have had more pregnancy “symptoms,” there is not this constant worry I felt last time.  There is more peace.  More trust.  I’ve faced the difficulty of losing a pregnancy and we made it through and came out stronger.  While I selfishly pray, and even sometimes beg God, for a healthy baby in my arms in April, I know whatever happens, He is enough. 

He is enough. 

Praise Jesus.

Here we go again!

10/20/13 - We formally "announced" we were pregnant on Friday, 10/18.  I've been writing since we found out on August 9 but didn't want to post until we made it past the first trimester.  Today I am 14 weeks and 2 days pregnant with my little nugget, and all seems healthy and on track.  Here are several posts and letters from the past three months.

Today, 8/9, I found out I was pregnant.  My body has been rebelling since I lost our baby at the end of January so I was surprised.  Now I am cautiously optimistic.  Literally, I was prepared to call the doctor to go on medicine next month to help get pregnant and now here we go again! 

I take back any optimism, I’m terrified. 

Raw fear. 

In the last 12 hours I have replayed every “bad” decision I made in the last two weeks – drinking wine, eating sushi, getting a massage, intense workouts, eating soft cheeses, riding a bike and drinking non-pasteurized juice.  What was I thinking?

And then Newton stopped me.  He reminded me God is bigger. 

God is bigger than my choices.  God is bigger than everything I can do to prepare for this pregnancy.  God is bigger than the future I can envision.  He is bigger.  He can turn water to wine.  He can part the seas.  He can empower the little David to overpower the great Goliath.  He can shut the mouths of Lions.  He can raise the dead. 

God is bigger.

I don’t know what this pregnancy will hold.  I’m not promised tomorrow for myself or for this little nugget.  I am scared.  I wish I wasn’t.  I wish I was boldly confident. 

But God is BIGGER. 

He is bigger than the fear, the pain, the emotion.  He loves me and has a perfect plan.  All I need to do is sit back and let him steer the ship.  Thank you, Father God, for blessing me with a second pregnancy.  I surrender all to you.

a thankful heart.

This year, I have been working through the Bible reading plan that I found on Jami Nato's blog: The Nato's.  While I am not NEARLY on track with the months, it’s been great for me to actually see my progress and feel like I am making headway on something I’ve wanted to do for a long time—read the Bible cover to cover.  I’m embarrassed to even admit that I haven’t!  

I’ve been in Leviticus recently and I found myself skimming over the passages thinking “why does this matter? this doesn’t apply to me, maybe I should just move ahead to another book.”  This week, though, was a light bulb, ah-ha, eye-opening experience moment for me.  As I was reading through Leviticus 14 about Cleansing from Infectious Skin Diseases, I got it.  

This applies DEEPLY to me.  

No, I do not need a treatment for a skin disease or to have the priest sacrifice a sin offering on my behalf.  BUT I DO need Jesus’s blood to cover me so I can be in God’s perfect presence. Lately I’ve really taken that for granted.  

I grew up in church.  I know the stories; I know Jesus died for my sins but the true weight of that statement, that action filled with love by both the Father and the Son has not sunk in until far too recently.  Without Jesus we would be subject to these laws—constantly trying to cleanse and purify ourselves in order to have a relationship with the God that created us.  We would have to watch what we eat, what we wear, how we behave, what comes out of our mouths, who we surround ourselves with, rely on a priest to help purify us, and on and on.  Jesus died to cover us with his blood son we can appear perfect in our perfect God's sight and so that there is nothing we can DO to be acceptable or closer to God.  We can access Him and talk to Him at any time.  The CREATOR of the WORLD.  LOVES US.  

Let that sink in.  How amazing is that? 

In business terms, this is like having direct access to the CEO of your corporation without any fear or anxiety that he is too busy for you, doesn't care about your little problems, doesn't know you from Jane that works across from you.  I think about past jobs where I got tongue-tied when someone at a senior level walked by my desk--always wanting to appear busy, valuable, smart, etc.  God doesn't ask any of this of us.  He wants to know us intimately, to have a deep relationship with us.  Sometimes it feels too good to be true. 

The gospel has really come alive for me in the last six months.  I have always been a Christian, have always had a relationship with Christ but have never fully understood grace or how undeserved grace is.  I was broken this year.  Losing a baby at the end of January rocked my world.  It’s been a healing and surrendering process.  Now, I can truly say that I trust God.  I believe He loves me.  I believe He has a perfect plan.  I believe Jesus died so that I can have life, and life to the fullest.  The life He has planned for me may not match the picture in my head.  

I can guarantee it will be better. 

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8: 38-39

the new normal.

My life changed dramatically this year.  It feels like I’ve aged 10 years in the last three months.  Losing our first baby was heartbreaking and it’s taken me some time to come out of a very hard place.  We’ve been so blessed to be surrounded by family, friends and community to help us through this loss.  Slowly, though, I’m settling into my new normal.  I will never be able to go back to who I was before experiencing a miscarriage—nor would I want to.  There has been so much growth, so much purpose, so much of God working in our lives.  If it were up to me, the story would have played out differently, but I am so blessed to see God work through this experience. 

For me the new normal is filtering everything through a new lens; seeing everything with new eyes.  Eyes that have experienced hope and loss and now see heartbreak and grief in others where before it would go unnoticed.  Eyes that see happiness and joy with a new appreciation.  Eyes that see Christ in a new way and cling to resurrection and the promise of new life.   I’m not “healed” or “fixed” or “better”  --but I am joyful, hopeful and content.  Our baby has touched lives, our story has impacted others and I am thankful. 

“There’s a reason I am not writing the story and God is.  He knows how it all works out, where it all leads, what it all means.” (Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts)   

It’s freeing to trust that God is in control and has a better plan than we can understand in our limited understanding.

I am also very thankful for our community—not just those couples in our community group—but all the family and friends that have surrounded and cared for us in this time.  Thank you.  We are blessed beyond belief.  Watermark is huge on community.  I lived in isolation at one point in my life and saw the damage it can do both emotionally and spiritually.  I’m so grateful for a church home that places such importance on surrounding yourself with people to do life with.

To whom it may concern:

I am not sure the protocol on messages like this but I wanted to take a moment and thank Watermark for the importance they place on community. My husband, Newton, and I joined a community group at the beginning of 2012. This year has not been an easy one on most of our group – with deaths of family members, sickness and injury, lost jobs and more. In my opinion, we’ve done a great job supporting one another in the good times and bad and I would have been an advocate for community based on the experience I had over the last year.

This month, however, I truly learned the importance of community. Newton and I found out in early January that we were pregnant and could not have been happier. Three weeks later I started having some complications and believed I had a miscarriage. Our community walked through this tragedy with us every step of the way. They started praying and the first signs of miscarriage, checked in on us every day, coordinated meals and brought flowers. When we believed we lost the baby they were there—they listened to me process what was happening and in the midst of my doubt, hurt and anger, they reminded me that God is good, He is mourning this loss with us, He has a plan for our future, He is with us through this. Now three weeks later, they are still consistent in their support - sending me verses of truths and praying for both Newton and me. I feel like I cry at our group every week and often feel like the "downer" but they have been nothing but loving and supportive throughout.

I don’t know how non-believers handle tragedy, but even more I don’t know how isolated “believers” handle it. Satan attacks us in our darkest and weakest moments. I so much wanted to be angry at God and blame this on Him – but thanks to those people in my life that are speaking truth--our families, friends and community--I know God is hurting over our loss just as much as we are. We are called to walk through life TOGETHER, not in isolation. Thank you Watermark for the importance you place on community, relationships and authenticity. We are so thankful to be members of a church that is passionate about living life together through the peaks and the valleys.