Hold Loosley

This pregnancy has felt so different from my first one.  It’s like I keep hearing God whisper to me, teaching me, shaping me, and reminding me that this child is GIFT.  I always just thought this was the next step—first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby, right??  Now I feel like I’m hit with stories all around me about loss and tragedy—from miscarriage to terminally ill children, to accidents and unforeseen events.  Children are a gift, just like each day we are given is a gift.  God has been whispering to my heart to hold loosely to this world.  Nothing on earth should become so important to me that I tighten my grip, not surrendering it to God to control.  Instead we should hold it all with an open palm – extending out to Him.

I realize, in hindsight, I was holding the dream of having a family in a tight fist, close to my chest.  Becoming a mother was almost an idol to me—and then my worst nightmare came true and that dream was stolen from me.  It was in that hard season that God showed me I was doing this; that I wasn’t trusting the plan He has for me, for Newton and I’s family.  I don’t think the miscarriage was punishment.  I don’t think I deserved it because I wasn’t trusting God with our family, but I do think God used that situation to teach me, to continue to sanctify me. 

He knows just what we need, even when we don’t.  This pregnancy has looked a lot different.  I think God every day for Logan.  I have so much anticipation for April, so much joy already from being his Momma.  I dream about what he will be like, what our family will look like, seeing Newton with a son.  But at the end of the day I have this overwhelming peace that no matter what happens, good, bad or ugly, that God has got it under control.  That He knows best.  That anything I experience – joy or pain – on earth is but a split second in comparison to the abundant life waiting for me in eternity. 

I have “believed” and “given my heart to Christ” since I was 7 years old.  I think it took me twenty years, though, to truly TRUST Him.  To fully experience pain in this life and then the redemption He can bring.  I would never wish hurt, pain, miscarriage, illness, etc. on anyone, but I can say I am so thankful for how God’s hand has written my story.  

23 Weeks

Oooohh, we’re (over) halfway there…!

Little Logan,

So much has happened since the last letter I wrote you.  Most importantly we found out you are our little man!  We could not be more excited to have a son.  There is something so special to Momma about seeing your dad with a boy.  I will be honest, I’m a little nervous.  Momma grew up with five younger sisters and has NO idea what to do with a little boy!  I have no doubt you will be my greatest adventure.  We are praying for you, for a healthy remainder of the pregnancy and delivery, for the first couple of weeks as we adjust to life with you, but most importantly that you become a man of God.

Words cannot describe the love I feel for you already, little one.  You have captured my heart and it’s been so exciting to watch you grow over the last couple of months.  Along with my expanding stomach, I’m starting to feel you kick.  It’s the most wonderful feeling in the world to know you are active!  You move the most around 11 pm—it makes me wonder if you will be a night owl like your dad.  I think your dad is a little jealous he can’t feel you quite yet.

Momma is starting to really get ready for you; picking out your nursery, buying you clothes and other little items.  I can’t hardly wait for the next couple of months to pass!  There is so much I wonder about and can’t wait to find out about you. 

We feel so lucky that God has entrusted you to us, Logan Charles.  We love you to the moon and back.

Momma

little nugget, letter three.

10/20/2013

Nugget,

This has been such a joyful weekend!  On Friday, your dad and I went to our 14 week appointment for an ultrasound.  The doctor couldn’t find your heartbeat and after 10 painfully scary minutes, we were able to see you on a sonogram.  There is no way to describe the emotions at seen you for the first time.  We saw your little feet, your hands making fists, the shadow of your face, your spine and your strong heart beating.  It moves me to tears thinking about it right now.  I cannot believe you are real sometimes!

Immediately after the appointment, once we were sure everything was okay, we formally “announced” we were pregnant.  This didn’t come as a shock to too many people, since your dad and I are terrible at keeping secrets about ourselves.  There have been so many people praying for you, little one, and so many people that are celebrating your health and growth.  You are one loved little baby.  It is so exciting to be past the first trimester and feel so much of the fear and anxiety be replaced with excitement, hope and joy!

“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him.” 1 Samuel 1:27

have continued to take it easy on me—thank you!  I was nauseous and tired until about last week, but now I am on the upswing.  Right now I’m loving grapefruit and oranges – or anything citrus, really, which is fitting, as you are about the size of a navel orange right now.  We cannot wait to find out if you are our little boy or little girl.  Momma is putting her official guess in for boy but of course will be thrilled no matter what! 

Little one, I hope I never forget the anticipation of meeting you in April, I feel so lucky to be your Momma.

I love you forever and ever.

little nugget, letter two.

10/20/13 - We formally "announced" we were pregnant on Friday, 10/18.  I've been writing since we found out on August 9 but didn't want to post until we made it past the first trimester.  Today I am 14 weeks and 2 days pregnant with my little nugget, and all seems healthy and on track.  Here are several posts and letters from the past three months.

9/22/13

Little one,

What a precious birthday gift it was for me to hear your heartbeat on the ultrasound during our appointment Friday.  It was the sweetest sound in the world to hear your strong 164 beats per minute.  The doctor was able to find the heartbeat quickly and your dad and I both had tears in our eyes.  You are such a blessing and a miracle.

There has been much anxiety for me between the first time we got to see you and the second time.  So much can happen, so much can go wrong.  Your dad has been the best about reminding me that I have no control.  God knows exactly how our family should work out.  While I pray every day that I get to meet you in April, I have complete confidence in our loving Father, our perfect Creator that there is a divine plan so much greater than I could ever imagine.

Momma is really working on her worry and anxiety.  God is using you to stretch me in ways I never thought imaginable.  I am learning to be intentional, to savor every single minute I get to spend with you – something I pray I do not forget when you are in my arms and growing so quickly.  I am learning to accept myself, give grace to myself for not being perfect or having it all together.  I hate that there is so much fear and loss of innocence around these first few months, little one.  I hope you know how over the moon excited I am to be your Momma and that nothing overshadows that.  No matter what happens, God has used you to help redeem hope inside of me.  Thank you so much little one.  I cannot wait to meet you!

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

I love you forever and ever.

Momma   

little nugget, letter one.

10/20/13 - We formally "announced" we were pregnant on Friday, 10/18.  I've been writing since we found out on August 9 but didn't want to post until we made it past the first trimester.  Today I am 14 weeks and 2 days pregnant with my little nugget, and all seems healthy and on track.  Here are several posts and letters from the past three months.

8/29/13

Precious nugget,

It has been 20 days since we found out you existed and sometimes I have to keep reminding myself this isn’t a dream—you really are in there growing tiny ears and hands and feet!   I have wanted to write you a letter since your dad and I got the positive pregnancy test, but Momma has been scared.  A little scared to get too attached and then lose you.  Precious one, I don’t want to live that way and my prayer for you is that you don’t live in fear on this earth.  I want to enjoy every minute I have with you—pregnancy all the way through watching you have children of your own one day, God willing.  Little one, we are so unbelievably excited knowing you are ours.

Your dad and I found out on a Friday morning that you were going to join our family.  Momma got up for a run with Sadie and could hardly make it around the block.  I came home and felt off so took a test—much to my surprise it was positive!  I ran over to tell your dad who was still fast asleep and told him we were pregnant.  He rolled over, looked at me, gave me a hug and then said “wait, what??”  That is the fastest I have ever seen him get out of bed!

After we found out we told family and close friends so they could be praying for you, little one. You have the best prayer warriors we could ask for.  On Monday, 8/26, we had our first doctor’s appointment.  Your dad and I prayed all the way from the car to the waiting room for you and the happiest of tears ran down my face as we saw you on the sonogram and heard your strong 119 beats/minute heartbeat.  That is the sweetest sound, little one.  Don’t tell your dad, but he shed a tear or two as well.

You are going pretty easy on me so far—a little nausea but nothing I can really complain about.  All I’m craving right now is sweets and carbs and your dad keeps telling me to eat them!  You better learn to love your stroller so we can work off this baby weight, little one.  I am counting down the days until April when I can hold you in my arms.

Momma loves you more than I can tell you.  Forever and ever.

Momma

week seven.

10/20/13 - We formally "announced" we were pregnant on Friday, 10/18.  I've been writing since we found out on August 9 but didn't want to post until we made it past the first trimester.  Today I am 14 weeks and 2 days pregnant with my little nugget, and all seems healthy and on track.  Here are several posts and letters from the past three months.

This week I have officially known I was pregnant longer than my first pregnancy and have made it past the point when we lost the baby at the end of January.  I wanted so badly to write letters to this little nugget as I started to in the last pregnancy but I couldn’t bring myself to do it until I passed this “milestone.”  There are so many emotions, I don’t even know where to start. 

Hope

Excitement

Anxiousness

Joy

Fear

Happiness

Loss

It’s a strange feeling to know that if everything had worked out in my last pregnancy I wouldn’t have the child growing inside me who I hope to meet in April.  How do you reconcile the sadness at the loss of one baby with the excitement and hope for another?  It almost feels like picking favorites.  In some ways I almost feel guilty, like having this baby is forgetting the first. 

Then I stop and remind myself that God has a PERFECT plan for me and for our family.  Whatever child He blesses us with is the exact child he planned for Newton and I to be parents to on this earth.  Sometimes we don’t understand His ways, His reasoning, His timing but we can be assured He knows best.  We have but a short glimpse with this life of the eternity God can see. 

Overall, though, the emotion I feel the most is hope.  Everything about this pregnancy feels different and right in a way.  I was with Newton when I found out we were pregnant, I have had more pregnancy “symptoms,” there is not this constant worry I felt last time.  There is more peace.  More trust.  I’ve faced the difficulty of losing a pregnancy and we made it through and came out stronger.  While I selfishly pray, and even sometimes beg God, for a healthy baby in my arms in April, I know whatever happens, He is enough. 

He is enough. 

Praise Jesus.

Here we go again!

10/20/13 - We formally "announced" we were pregnant on Friday, 10/18.  I've been writing since we found out on August 9 but didn't want to post until we made it past the first trimester.  Today I am 14 weeks and 2 days pregnant with my little nugget, and all seems healthy and on track.  Here are several posts and letters from the past three months.

Today, 8/9, I found out I was pregnant.  My body has been rebelling since I lost our baby at the end of January so I was surprised.  Now I am cautiously optimistic.  Literally, I was prepared to call the doctor to go on medicine next month to help get pregnant and now here we go again! 

I take back any optimism, I’m terrified. 

Raw fear. 

In the last 12 hours I have replayed every “bad” decision I made in the last two weeks – drinking wine, eating sushi, getting a massage, intense workouts, eating soft cheeses, riding a bike and drinking non-pasteurized juice.  What was I thinking?

And then Newton stopped me.  He reminded me God is bigger. 

God is bigger than my choices.  God is bigger than everything I can do to prepare for this pregnancy.  God is bigger than the future I can envision.  He is bigger.  He can turn water to wine.  He can part the seas.  He can empower the little David to overpower the great Goliath.  He can shut the mouths of Lions.  He can raise the dead. 

God is bigger.

I don’t know what this pregnancy will hold.  I’m not promised tomorrow for myself or for this little nugget.  I am scared.  I wish I wasn’t.  I wish I was boldly confident. 

But God is BIGGER. 

He is bigger than the fear, the pain, the emotion.  He loves me and has a perfect plan.  All I need to do is sit back and let him steer the ship.  Thank you, Father God, for blessing me with a second pregnancy.  I surrender all to you.

a thankful heart.

This year, I have been working through the Bible reading plan that I found on Jami Nato's blog: The Nato's.  While I am not NEARLY on track with the months, it’s been great for me to actually see my progress and feel like I am making headway on something I’ve wanted to do for a long time—read the Bible cover to cover.  I’m embarrassed to even admit that I haven’t!  

I’ve been in Leviticus recently and I found myself skimming over the passages thinking “why does this matter? this doesn’t apply to me, maybe I should just move ahead to another book.”  This week, though, was a light bulb, ah-ha, eye-opening experience moment for me.  As I was reading through Leviticus 14 about Cleansing from Infectious Skin Diseases, I got it.  

This applies DEEPLY to me.  

No, I do not need a treatment for a skin disease or to have the priest sacrifice a sin offering on my behalf.  BUT I DO need Jesus’s blood to cover me so I can be in God’s perfect presence. Lately I’ve really taken that for granted.  

I grew up in church.  I know the stories; I know Jesus died for my sins but the true weight of that statement, that action filled with love by both the Father and the Son has not sunk in until far too recently.  Without Jesus we would be subject to these laws—constantly trying to cleanse and purify ourselves in order to have a relationship with the God that created us.  We would have to watch what we eat, what we wear, how we behave, what comes out of our mouths, who we surround ourselves with, rely on a priest to help purify us, and on and on.  Jesus died to cover us with his blood son we can appear perfect in our perfect God's sight and so that there is nothing we can DO to be acceptable or closer to God.  We can access Him and talk to Him at any time.  The CREATOR of the WORLD.  LOVES US.  

Let that sink in.  How amazing is that? 

In business terms, this is like having direct access to the CEO of your corporation without any fear or anxiety that he is too busy for you, doesn't care about your little problems, doesn't know you from Jane that works across from you.  I think about past jobs where I got tongue-tied when someone at a senior level walked by my desk--always wanting to appear busy, valuable, smart, etc.  God doesn't ask any of this of us.  He wants to know us intimately, to have a deep relationship with us.  Sometimes it feels too good to be true. 

The gospel has really come alive for me in the last six months.  I have always been a Christian, have always had a relationship with Christ but have never fully understood grace or how undeserved grace is.  I was broken this year.  Losing a baby at the end of January rocked my world.  It’s been a healing and surrendering process.  Now, I can truly say that I trust God.  I believe He loves me.  I believe He has a perfect plan.  I believe Jesus died so that I can have life, and life to the fullest.  The life He has planned for me may not match the picture in my head.  

I can guarantee it will be better. 

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8: 38-39

the new normal.

My life changed dramatically this year.  It feels like I’ve aged 10 years in the last three months.  Losing our first baby was heartbreaking and it’s taken me some time to come out of a very hard place.  We’ve been so blessed to be surrounded by family, friends and community to help us through this loss.  Slowly, though, I’m settling into my new normal.  I will never be able to go back to who I was before experiencing a miscarriage—nor would I want to.  There has been so much growth, so much purpose, so much of God working in our lives.  If it were up to me, the story would have played out differently, but I am so blessed to see God work through this experience. 

For me the new normal is filtering everything through a new lens; seeing everything with new eyes.  Eyes that have experienced hope and loss and now see heartbreak and grief in others where before it would go unnoticed.  Eyes that see happiness and joy with a new appreciation.  Eyes that see Christ in a new way and cling to resurrection and the promise of new life.   I’m not “healed” or “fixed” or “better”  --but I am joyful, hopeful and content.  Our baby has touched lives, our story has impacted others and I am thankful. 

“There’s a reason I am not writing the story and God is.  He knows how it all works out, where it all leads, what it all means.” (Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts)   

It’s freeing to trust that God is in control and has a better plan than we can understand in our limited understanding.

I am also very thankful for our community—not just those couples in our community group—but all the family and friends that have surrounded and cared for us in this time.  Thank you.  We are blessed beyond belief.  Watermark is huge on community.  I lived in isolation at one point in my life and saw the damage it can do both emotionally and spiritually.  I’m so grateful for a church home that places such importance on surrounding yourself with people to do life with.

To whom it may concern:

I am not sure the protocol on messages like this but I wanted to take a moment and thank Watermark for the importance they place on community. My husband, Newton, and I joined a community group at the beginning of 2012. This year has not been an easy one on most of our group – with deaths of family members, sickness and injury, lost jobs and more. In my opinion, we’ve done a great job supporting one another in the good times and bad and I would have been an advocate for community based on the experience I had over the last year.

This month, however, I truly learned the importance of community. Newton and I found out in early January that we were pregnant and could not have been happier. Three weeks later I started having some complications and believed I had a miscarriage. Our community walked through this tragedy with us every step of the way. They started praying and the first signs of miscarriage, checked in on us every day, coordinated meals and brought flowers. When we believed we lost the baby they were there—they listened to me process what was happening and in the midst of my doubt, hurt and anger, they reminded me that God is good, He is mourning this loss with us, He has a plan for our future, He is with us through this. Now three weeks later, they are still consistent in their support - sending me verses of truths and praying for both Newton and me. I feel like I cry at our group every week and often feel like the "downer" but they have been nothing but loving and supportive throughout.

I don’t know how non-believers handle tragedy, but even more I don’t know how isolated “believers” handle it. Satan attacks us in our darkest and weakest moments. I so much wanted to be angry at God and blame this on Him – but thanks to those people in my life that are speaking truth--our families, friends and community--I know God is hurting over our loss just as much as we are. We are called to walk through life TOGETHER, not in isolation. Thank you Watermark for the importance you place on community, relationships and authenticity. We are so thankful to be members of a church that is passionate about living life together through the peaks and the valleys.

Hope

I’m learning a lot about myself recently.  I’m learning about my areas of sins and struggles, about what truly makes me happy and how to appreciate the gift of life we are given.  There have still been moments of extreme sadness and grief, but more and more frequently hope is pushing through the sadness, like sunbeams through a closed shutter.  Little rays that are trying to light a big dark room. 

I’ve found hope in learning to surrender.  Control is a huge issue for me—when my world starts to spin like crazy I cling for anything I can control…mostly it manifests into cleaning everything in sight. I know when I’m the most stressed is when my house will be the cleanest.  I’ve tried to control my job, my eating, my workout schedule, my husband, my social calendar and on and on.  This loss rocked my world—there was literally not one thing I could do to control the situation.  There was a lot of freedom in that realization and I’m learning how liberating it is to surrender…to take yourself out of the equation and let God work.

There’s been hope in watching Newton and seeing what a great father he will be.  We work with the three and four year olds at our church and watching him interact and develop relationships with these little ones has been so fun.  Like our new class, he started out timid the first couple of weeks.  Now, though, he knows the kids by name and they come to our class looking for “Mr. Newton” to play cars with.  I’ve started to look forward to the family in our future.  Again, I’m trying to practice surrendering to the timing of that family and the way it might happen, but I truly believe we have too much love to give not to be parents someday.

Sharing my loss and healing process has given me hope. People from  various times in my life have heard or read about what’s happened and reached out with their own stories and how they can relate to something I’ve said.  This has given me comfort that God is weaving grace and good throughout a dark time in my life.

I’m mostly hopeful around what is working in my heart.  This has opened my eyes to how much I’ve been living like this life is all about me.  It’s not.  I got that message loud and clear.  I’ve never felt as needy for Christ as I did in the months following the miscarriage. I listened to a sermon by JP (http://www.watermark.org/media/series/308/) today and he said it’s not true that God won’t give you more than you can handle…what is true is He won’t give you more than HE can handle.  I thought I was strong enough to get through this on my own and every time I think I’m in a good place, I’m humbled by some comment or experience or event that takes me back to right where I started: broken.  It feels good to be needy, to be seeking, to be in scripture and to pray in a way I haven’t done in a VERY long time. 

I know soon the shutters will be wide open and light will fill that dark room; life will settle back into a routine; I will establish “normal” again.  I pray I don’t forget this season and the lessons I’m learning along the way.

held.

This is a song that was sent to me on a CD by a woman who also experienced a miscarriage. The whole CD is wonderful and filled with songs of encouragement, but “Held”by Natalie Grant is the one that I’ve related to the most. A link to listen is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAo2zdRbXicI love the promise this song leaves me with – the promise that no matter what Jesus is there to hold us. Life throws curveballs all the time—some take us down paths of unexpected joy, others pain or loss but no matter what Jesus is there to hold us in his arms. Hope this song may speak to others like it has me, no matter what life has thrown your way.

"Held"

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

a healing journey

It has been one month since the worst day of my life.  I said goodbye to our child, after just 6 short weeks of carrying him or her.  When Newton and I found out we were expecting we were overjoyed…ecstatic…thrilled…there is no word to even capture how excited I was.  All my life I’ve wanted to be a mom and I felt like I finally knew my purpose.  I felt complete. 

Too quickly that feeling was stolen from me.  My dream shattered.  In the letters written here, through words to my little one, you can read our story.  For some people, this public outlet would not be the right place to share such personal information.  To me, this is a part of healing.  You see, when this happened to me, I could name one person I knew who had miscarried.  ONE.  Can you imagine how lonely that felt?  My hope is that if I put my story out on there that someone who deals with miscarriage or needs support to know they aren’t alone might stumble across this post and relate in some way to something I have written.  Fortunately, people came out of the woodwork with stories of personal experience or someone they knew.  I felt less alone and was comforted by an outpouring of support from family and friends.  Miscarriage is still a pain that not many can understand though.

Last September, at my birthday, I picked a word I hoped to live out in the year to follow.  BOLD.  God has given me the opportunity to be bold in my faith through this experience.  Losing this baby crushed me.  I am full of doubts, fears and insecurities—from was it my fault (I know it wasn’t), will we be able to get pregnant again, (logic says yes) can I carry a child to term, (again, logic says yes) to is God trying to punish me (ABSOLUTELY NOT).  In the midst of the doubt, God has shown himself to me in so many ways…from answering prayers throughout this experience, to using family and friends and even total strangers to comfort me.  Most importantly, though, I’ve seen how this baby made in impact for His kingdom in its (too) short life. 

I know God is good.

He is sovereign.

He has a plan.

He loves me unconditionally.

He is in control.

I remind myself of these truths each day when the louder, easier to believe lies start to take over.  I am still processing this whole experience.  Healing is a journey.  There are days I feel really good and strong and like I can share my story as a testimony to Christ.  Then there are days that I want to cry every second and crawl into bed and never get out, days when even looking at a child squeezes my heart to the point I think it might burst.  I’m fortunate those days are less often than not, but it’s hard.  My heart is still broken. 

Miscarriage is a difficult thing to go through.  People who have never experienced often view this loss as “natural selection,” “a blessing in disguise,” “part of nature,” “not a big deal—it wasn’t really a baby yet,” “hard, but you can try again soon” and on and on.  No one is trying to be insensitive, but to me it’s so much deeper.  This was my child, a child I won’t get to meet until I get to Heaven.  I’m mourning the death of my baby just as someone would if they had held their baby after birth and lost him or her. 

I am learning a lot right now and reading through Psalms where God is revealing Himself to me.  I picked Psalms to read when everything happened because I think it’s a book that truly shows God’s character.  David went through all ranges of emotions, many that I can relate too, and I am picking out the truths about God as I walk through the Psalms.  One verse that I am clinging to these days is Psalm 27:14 “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”  Lord I am waiting for you and the story you will tell through me and my family.  However that family might look.

 

Not my child, but His.

During our engagement, each month leading up to the wedding I would write Newton and letter caputring how we were feeling and what we were going through so we wouldn't forget that time.  I wanted to do the same thing for our children and wrote the first letter shortly after finding out we were pregnant.  After losing this baby, I am so thankful for the first letter; it reminds me of the excitement, joy and love I felt for this child.  What follows is our journey through letters to my little one and emails to our family and friends.  Some may feel this is too personal to share, but after miscarrying, I felt so alone and it is worth sharing our story if even one person can relate or find comfort in what we went through.

Monday, January 14

Week 5 (Actual age of the baby – three weeks)

To my little one,

According to my tracking, you are the size of a small, sweet pea.  It’s hard to believe you are actually developing right now and I am constantly worrying about you and keep pinching myself to make sure it’s not a dream that we are expecting you!  Life has been a whirlwind in the last week since we found out you were on your way.  It was January 11, 2013 that your dad and I found out you even existed.  I was on my way to a friend’s wedding in San Antonio with your Auntie Kandace for a relaxing girls weekend full of shopping and fun when I decided to double check and find out if I was pregnant or not.  I really didn’t think I was, I felt so normal…Kandace and I went through three pregnancy tests until we could actually tell the result. 

As soon as we saw the positive result, I sent your dad a text message right away, but I couldn’t contain my excitement so I immediately called him.  He answered and was overjoyed.  We both thought it would take a little bit longer for you to come but we couldn’t be happier with the news.  Since we already have a girl’s name picked out, Daddy started suggesting names for if you are a boy, things like “General.”  Don’t worry, I won’t let that happen.  We just can’t wait to meet you! 

The hardest thing so far has not been telling EVERYONE that you are coming.  We are so happy and feel so blessed that we want to tell all of our family and friends that you will be here in September!  Mommy has been worse at keeping the secret than Daddy.  Not much has changed for me in the last couple of weeks except that I feel a little hungrier than normal, have to pee a LOT and have felt queasy a couple of times.  So far you are going very easy on me, little one.  I hope you keep that up!

Emotionally, I have been a little more of a mess.  I worry about you already—I am sure this is a trend that will continue through your teenage years and beyond.  I want to work so hard to protect you and keep you safe and feel like it’s my responsibility.  Little one, remember this—you are not my child but God’s.  He loves you and will protect you.  Sometimes that may not look the way your dad or I would choose, but we love God, we trust Him and we know he is watching over you, even now.  Your dad and I pray for you every day and have lots of prayer warriors out there praying for you, too.  You are so loved even in this short time.  

I love you forever,  Mama

 

Wednesday, January 30

Little one,

You have scared Mama so much this week.  There has been some spotting and cramping but people keep reassuring me that “this is normal” and “everything will be okay.”  On Monday (January 28) we went to visit the doctor as a precaution and were able to see your heartbeat.  You took our breaths away.  It was a surreal experience and your dad and I love you so much.  We are praying for you little one, we can’t wait to meet you.

This past week things have gotten worse and we are so fearful for you little one.  We know this is in God’s hand and no matter how your life here on earth turns out, your Heavenly Father is protecting you.  Stay strong, little one. 

I love you forever, Mama.

 

Sent: Thursday, January 31, 2013 11:09 AM

 Subject: Prayers needed

 To our family and friends,

As all of you know because we were so excited we practically told the world - Newton and I found out we were expecting a baby earlier this month.  We've been over the moon and I'm already planning the nursery, and have even bought a few items for the baby, of course.  Unfortunately Sunday brought some unexpected complications and fears.  I began spotting and we went to see the doctor on Monday.  He did a sonogram and was able to see the fetal pulse which was amazing for us to experience!  The doctor said the sonogram looked like exactly what he would want to see at this point in pregnancy which was an answer to prayers.  Because we were supposed to travel to Tahoe this weekend and I expressed some nervousness, he suggested that we have some blood work done to monitor my hormone levels.  I took my first round of blood Monday and second round Wednesday.

 On Wednesday night, everything started getting worse and this morning there was cause for concern.  We called the doctor to ask about my blood work as well as the new symptoms.  When we were able to talk to the nurse we found out my hormone levels were around 8,000 Monday and had only gone to 11,000 Wednesday.  They hope to see the levels double at that amount of time.  The low hormones plus the bleeding caused the doctors to want us to come in for an appointment this morning.  We met with the doctor and he did another sonogram.  He was able to see a faint fetal pulse which he said was good news.  They are putting me on some progesterone and we have another appointment Monday.  The doctor said 95% of miscarriages never see a heartbeat.  At this point if there is a miscarriage, it is due to a chromosomal defect and nature has to run its course.

We can't thank you enough for the amount of prayers that have been sent our way.  We are scared and sad, but still hopeful at the news we got today.  I'm on modified bed rest and will be working from home the next couple of days, and we will not be going to Tahoe.  Please help us pray for our little one this weekend.  We know we live in a fallen world and not everything works out the way we hope, but we know God is in control, has a plan for us, is our shield and our strength.

Here are the praises from the week:

1. Praise that we were able to see the doctor so quickly on Monday

 2. Praise that we got to experience the heartbeat

 3. Praise that the doctor suggested getting the blood work

4. Praise for the prayers, support and encouragement from our family and friends

5. Praise for being able to see the doctor so quickly today

6. Praise that there is still a heartbeat

 

Please help us pray:

1. Pray that the bleeding stops

2. Pray that the cramping stops

3. Pray for peace for both Newton and I

4. Pray for rest

5. Pray for the baby, that he or she grows stronger over the weekend

6. Pray for the doctors that they will have clear answers on Monday

7. Pray for the appointment Monday that we will hear a heartbeat

8. Pray that my hormone levels increase

Many of these are selfish prayers because we of course want to carry this baby to full term.  More than anything, though, we want to follow God's plan for our lives and submit to His timing, however that may look for us.  This is an especially scary prayer for me because His plan may not be mine, but I know whatever happens, good will come out of it.

 Much love to you all,

 Genna & Newton

February 1, 2013

Week 8 (actual age of the baby 6 weeks)

Little one,

Yesterday was the hardest day of my life so far.  I am so fearful that we lost you on this earth and we won’t get to meet you again until we meet in Heaven.  My heart is broken at the idea of this.  I have so much love in my heart for you; I didn’t even think it was possible to love someone you haven’t met this much.  I was so looking forward to being your mommy.  I’m still praying for a miracle, little one, but am resting in the promise that God is protecting you, me and your daddy and that we’ll be united one day – either on earth or in Heaven. 

We will go back and visit the doctor on Monday to see if we can hear your heartbeat or not.  Mama has to prepare her heart for the worst after everything that has happened, but deep down I still hope you are my miracle baby.

Your daddy has been so strong for me.  We are so lucky to have him—he has been my comfort and keeps reminding me that God is in control and has a plan for us.  He loves both of us so much and is just as scared as I am.  I can’t wait for you to meet him one day, little one.

There are so many people praying for you, little one.  Your dad and I have been so humbled by the amount of love and support we’ve gotten over this very scary week.  We are so thankful for our family, community, friends and coworkers.  I hope you can feel those prayers—that thought gives me comfort.

This morning the verse that comforted me was Isaiah 55:8-9:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

Neither are your ways my ways,

As the heavens are higher than the earth,

So are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Little one, so many times I put God in a box—He is so much greater than I can imagine.  He has ways that I can’t understand and His plans don’t always match my plans, and His timing doesn’t always match mine, either, but I know as long as I trust Him, I am in good hands and so are you.

I love you forever, Mama.

 

Sent: Monday, February 4

Subject: Thank you

To our family and friends,

God is good. That is a hard sentence for me to write as we just confirmed the loss of our baby. We take comfort in the fact this baby has already left a legacy. We know everything happens for a reason and that the baby has brought Newton and I closer to Christ and closer to each other and will do the same in others’ lives as this becomes part of our testimony.

We cannot thank you enough for the texts, emails, phone calls, visits, meals, flowers, kind words, love and encouragement you have given us over the last week. We are so incredibly humbled by the outpouring of love and feel so blessed to have such support in our lives. Thank you for walking this journey with us.


Much love,
Newton and Genna

 

 
February 6, 2013

Little one,

Your dad and I are heartbroken that we will not get to meet you here on earth.  It makes waiting for Heaven even harder.  You are so loved and so special.  You have touched so many lives already.  As time goes on, people heal.  Some people may forget this happened or that they prayed so hard for a miracle for you, but your dad and I will never forget, I can promise that.  We hope to someday have brothers and sisters for you, but no one will ever replace you as our first baby. 

It is so painful to not know about you, little one…to not know if you are our baby boy or our baby girl…to not know what your face looks like…not know if there was something we could have done to save you…that we never got to hold you in our arms…and so much more.  We are hurting over losing you, but we are so thankful for how you changed our lives.  You’ve made your daddy and me stronger people, a stronger couple and given us a stronger trust in Jesus.  We hope we get to share your story with so many people and that your life can impact others for the Kingdom of God.  In this way, no one will forget you.  I take comfort knowing you are in the best hands right now – hands that can comfort you in a way that we cannot.  I love you forever, little one.

Mama