a healing journey

It has been one month since the worst day of my life.  I said goodbye to our child, after just 6 short weeks of carrying him or her.  When Newton and I found out we were expecting we were overjoyed…ecstatic…thrilled…there is no word to even capture how excited I was.  All my life I’ve wanted to be a mom and I felt like I finally knew my purpose.  I felt complete. 

Too quickly that feeling was stolen from me.  My dream shattered.  In the letters written here, through words to my little one, you can read our story.  For some people, this public outlet would not be the right place to share such personal information.  To me, this is a part of healing.  You see, when this happened to me, I could name one person I knew who had miscarried.  ONE.  Can you imagine how lonely that felt?  My hope is that if I put my story out on there that someone who deals with miscarriage or needs support to know they aren’t alone might stumble across this post and relate in some way to something I have written.  Fortunately, people came out of the woodwork with stories of personal experience or someone they knew.  I felt less alone and was comforted by an outpouring of support from family and friends.  Miscarriage is still a pain that not many can understand though.

Last September, at my birthday, I picked a word I hoped to live out in the year to follow.  BOLD.  God has given me the opportunity to be bold in my faith through this experience.  Losing this baby crushed me.  I am full of doubts, fears and insecurities—from was it my fault (I know it wasn’t), will we be able to get pregnant again, (logic says yes) can I carry a child to term, (again, logic says yes) to is God trying to punish me (ABSOLUTELY NOT).  In the midst of the doubt, God has shown himself to me in so many ways…from answering prayers throughout this experience, to using family and friends and even total strangers to comfort me.  Most importantly, though, I’ve seen how this baby made in impact for His kingdom in its (too) short life. 

I know God is good.

He is sovereign.

He has a plan.

He loves me unconditionally.

He is in control.

I remind myself of these truths each day when the louder, easier to believe lies start to take over.  I am still processing this whole experience.  Healing is a journey.  There are days I feel really good and strong and like I can share my story as a testimony to Christ.  Then there are days that I want to cry every second and crawl into bed and never get out, days when even looking at a child squeezes my heart to the point I think it might burst.  I’m fortunate those days are less often than not, but it’s hard.  My heart is still broken. 

Miscarriage is a difficult thing to go through.  People who have never experienced often view this loss as “natural selection,” “a blessing in disguise,” “part of nature,” “not a big deal—it wasn’t really a baby yet,” “hard, but you can try again soon” and on and on.  No one is trying to be insensitive, but to me it’s so much deeper.  This was my child, a child I won’t get to meet until I get to Heaven.  I’m mourning the death of my baby just as someone would if they had held their baby after birth and lost him or her. 

I am learning a lot right now and reading through Psalms where God is revealing Himself to me.  I picked Psalms to read when everything happened because I think it’s a book that truly shows God’s character.  David went through all ranges of emotions, many that I can relate too, and I am picking out the truths about God as I walk through the Psalms.  One verse that I am clinging to these days is Psalm 27:14 “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”  Lord I am waiting for you and the story you will tell through me and my family.  However that family might look.

 

Not my child, but His.

During our engagement, each month leading up to the wedding I would write Newton and letter caputring how we were feeling and what we were going through so we wouldn't forget that time.  I wanted to do the same thing for our children and wrote the first letter shortly after finding out we were pregnant.  After losing this baby, I am so thankful for the first letter; it reminds me of the excitement, joy and love I felt for this child.  What follows is our journey through letters to my little one and emails to our family and friends.  Some may feel this is too personal to share, but after miscarrying, I felt so alone and it is worth sharing our story if even one person can relate or find comfort in what we went through.

Monday, January 14

Week 5 (Actual age of the baby – three weeks)

To my little one,

According to my tracking, you are the size of a small, sweet pea.  It’s hard to believe you are actually developing right now and I am constantly worrying about you and keep pinching myself to make sure it’s not a dream that we are expecting you!  Life has been a whirlwind in the last week since we found out you were on your way.  It was January 11, 2013 that your dad and I found out you even existed.  I was on my way to a friend’s wedding in San Antonio with your Auntie Kandace for a relaxing girls weekend full of shopping and fun when I decided to double check and find out if I was pregnant or not.  I really didn’t think I was, I felt so normal…Kandace and I went through three pregnancy tests until we could actually tell the result. 

As soon as we saw the positive result, I sent your dad a text message right away, but I couldn’t contain my excitement so I immediately called him.  He answered and was overjoyed.  We both thought it would take a little bit longer for you to come but we couldn’t be happier with the news.  Since we already have a girl’s name picked out, Daddy started suggesting names for if you are a boy, things like “General.”  Don’t worry, I won’t let that happen.  We just can’t wait to meet you! 

The hardest thing so far has not been telling EVERYONE that you are coming.  We are so happy and feel so blessed that we want to tell all of our family and friends that you will be here in September!  Mommy has been worse at keeping the secret than Daddy.  Not much has changed for me in the last couple of weeks except that I feel a little hungrier than normal, have to pee a LOT and have felt queasy a couple of times.  So far you are going very easy on me, little one.  I hope you keep that up!

Emotionally, I have been a little more of a mess.  I worry about you already—I am sure this is a trend that will continue through your teenage years and beyond.  I want to work so hard to protect you and keep you safe and feel like it’s my responsibility.  Little one, remember this—you are not my child but God’s.  He loves you and will protect you.  Sometimes that may not look the way your dad or I would choose, but we love God, we trust Him and we know he is watching over you, even now.  Your dad and I pray for you every day and have lots of prayer warriors out there praying for you, too.  You are so loved even in this short time.  

I love you forever,  Mama

 

Wednesday, January 30

Little one,

You have scared Mama so much this week.  There has been some spotting and cramping but people keep reassuring me that “this is normal” and “everything will be okay.”  On Monday (January 28) we went to visit the doctor as a precaution and were able to see your heartbeat.  You took our breaths away.  It was a surreal experience and your dad and I love you so much.  We are praying for you little one, we can’t wait to meet you.

This past week things have gotten worse and we are so fearful for you little one.  We know this is in God’s hand and no matter how your life here on earth turns out, your Heavenly Father is protecting you.  Stay strong, little one. 

I love you forever, Mama.

 

Sent: Thursday, January 31, 2013 11:09 AM

 Subject: Prayers needed

 To our family and friends,

As all of you know because we were so excited we practically told the world - Newton and I found out we were expecting a baby earlier this month.  We've been over the moon and I'm already planning the nursery, and have even bought a few items for the baby, of course.  Unfortunately Sunday brought some unexpected complications and fears.  I began spotting and we went to see the doctor on Monday.  He did a sonogram and was able to see the fetal pulse which was amazing for us to experience!  The doctor said the sonogram looked like exactly what he would want to see at this point in pregnancy which was an answer to prayers.  Because we were supposed to travel to Tahoe this weekend and I expressed some nervousness, he suggested that we have some blood work done to monitor my hormone levels.  I took my first round of blood Monday and second round Wednesday.

 On Wednesday night, everything started getting worse and this morning there was cause for concern.  We called the doctor to ask about my blood work as well as the new symptoms.  When we were able to talk to the nurse we found out my hormone levels were around 8,000 Monday and had only gone to 11,000 Wednesday.  They hope to see the levels double at that amount of time.  The low hormones plus the bleeding caused the doctors to want us to come in for an appointment this morning.  We met with the doctor and he did another sonogram.  He was able to see a faint fetal pulse which he said was good news.  They are putting me on some progesterone and we have another appointment Monday.  The doctor said 95% of miscarriages never see a heartbeat.  At this point if there is a miscarriage, it is due to a chromosomal defect and nature has to run its course.

We can't thank you enough for the amount of prayers that have been sent our way.  We are scared and sad, but still hopeful at the news we got today.  I'm on modified bed rest and will be working from home the next couple of days, and we will not be going to Tahoe.  Please help us pray for our little one this weekend.  We know we live in a fallen world and not everything works out the way we hope, but we know God is in control, has a plan for us, is our shield and our strength.

Here are the praises from the week:

1. Praise that we were able to see the doctor so quickly on Monday

 2. Praise that we got to experience the heartbeat

 3. Praise that the doctor suggested getting the blood work

4. Praise for the prayers, support and encouragement from our family and friends

5. Praise for being able to see the doctor so quickly today

6. Praise that there is still a heartbeat

 

Please help us pray:

1. Pray that the bleeding stops

2. Pray that the cramping stops

3. Pray for peace for both Newton and I

4. Pray for rest

5. Pray for the baby, that he or she grows stronger over the weekend

6. Pray for the doctors that they will have clear answers on Monday

7. Pray for the appointment Monday that we will hear a heartbeat

8. Pray that my hormone levels increase

Many of these are selfish prayers because we of course want to carry this baby to full term.  More than anything, though, we want to follow God's plan for our lives and submit to His timing, however that may look for us.  This is an especially scary prayer for me because His plan may not be mine, but I know whatever happens, good will come out of it.

 Much love to you all,

 Genna & Newton

February 1, 2013

Week 8 (actual age of the baby 6 weeks)

Little one,

Yesterday was the hardest day of my life so far.  I am so fearful that we lost you on this earth and we won’t get to meet you again until we meet in Heaven.  My heart is broken at the idea of this.  I have so much love in my heart for you; I didn’t even think it was possible to love someone you haven’t met this much.  I was so looking forward to being your mommy.  I’m still praying for a miracle, little one, but am resting in the promise that God is protecting you, me and your daddy and that we’ll be united one day – either on earth or in Heaven. 

We will go back and visit the doctor on Monday to see if we can hear your heartbeat or not.  Mama has to prepare her heart for the worst after everything that has happened, but deep down I still hope you are my miracle baby.

Your daddy has been so strong for me.  We are so lucky to have him—he has been my comfort and keeps reminding me that God is in control and has a plan for us.  He loves both of us so much and is just as scared as I am.  I can’t wait for you to meet him one day, little one.

There are so many people praying for you, little one.  Your dad and I have been so humbled by the amount of love and support we’ve gotten over this very scary week.  We are so thankful for our family, community, friends and coworkers.  I hope you can feel those prayers—that thought gives me comfort.

This morning the verse that comforted me was Isaiah 55:8-9:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

Neither are your ways my ways,

As the heavens are higher than the earth,

So are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Little one, so many times I put God in a box—He is so much greater than I can imagine.  He has ways that I can’t understand and His plans don’t always match my plans, and His timing doesn’t always match mine, either, but I know as long as I trust Him, I am in good hands and so are you.

I love you forever, Mama.

 

Sent: Monday, February 4

Subject: Thank you

To our family and friends,

God is good. That is a hard sentence for me to write as we just confirmed the loss of our baby. We take comfort in the fact this baby has already left a legacy. We know everything happens for a reason and that the baby has brought Newton and I closer to Christ and closer to each other and will do the same in others’ lives as this becomes part of our testimony.

We cannot thank you enough for the texts, emails, phone calls, visits, meals, flowers, kind words, love and encouragement you have given us over the last week. We are so incredibly humbled by the outpouring of love and feel so blessed to have such support in our lives. Thank you for walking this journey with us.


Much love,
Newton and Genna

 

 
February 6, 2013

Little one,

Your dad and I are heartbroken that we will not get to meet you here on earth.  It makes waiting for Heaven even harder.  You are so loved and so special.  You have touched so many lives already.  As time goes on, people heal.  Some people may forget this happened or that they prayed so hard for a miracle for you, but your dad and I will never forget, I can promise that.  We hope to someday have brothers and sisters for you, but no one will ever replace you as our first baby. 

It is so painful to not know about you, little one…to not know if you are our baby boy or our baby girl…to not know what your face looks like…not know if there was something we could have done to save you…that we never got to hold you in our arms…and so much more.  We are hurting over losing you, but we are so thankful for how you changed our lives.  You’ve made your daddy and me stronger people, a stronger couple and given us a stronger trust in Jesus.  We hope we get to share your story with so many people and that your life can impact others for the Kingdom of God.  In this way, no one will forget you.  I take comfort knowing you are in the best hands right now – hands that can comfort you in a way that we cannot.  I love you forever, little one.

Mama