Hold Loosley

This pregnancy has felt so different from my first one.  It’s like I keep hearing God whisper to me, teaching me, shaping me, and reminding me that this child is GIFT.  I always just thought this was the next step—first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby, right??  Now I feel like I’m hit with stories all around me about loss and tragedy—from miscarriage to terminally ill children, to accidents and unforeseen events.  Children are a gift, just like each day we are given is a gift.  God has been whispering to my heart to hold loosely to this world.  Nothing on earth should become so important to me that I tighten my grip, not surrendering it to God to control.  Instead we should hold it all with an open palm – extending out to Him.

I realize, in hindsight, I was holding the dream of having a family in a tight fist, close to my chest.  Becoming a mother was almost an idol to me—and then my worst nightmare came true and that dream was stolen from me.  It was in that hard season that God showed me I was doing this; that I wasn’t trusting the plan He has for me, for Newton and I’s family.  I don’t think the miscarriage was punishment.  I don’t think I deserved it because I wasn’t trusting God with our family, but I do think God used that situation to teach me, to continue to sanctify me. 

He knows just what we need, even when we don’t.  This pregnancy has looked a lot different.  I think God every day for Logan.  I have so much anticipation for April, so much joy already from being his Momma.  I dream about what he will be like, what our family will look like, seeing Newton with a son.  But at the end of the day I have this overwhelming peace that no matter what happens, good, bad or ugly, that God has got it under control.  That He knows best.  That anything I experience – joy or pain – on earth is but a split second in comparison to the abundant life waiting for me in eternity. 

I have “believed” and “given my heart to Christ” since I was 7 years old.  I think it took me twenty years, though, to truly TRUST Him.  To fully experience pain in this life and then the redemption He can bring.  I would never wish hurt, pain, miscarriage, illness, etc. on anyone, but I can say I am so thankful for how God’s hand has written my story.