Hold Loosley

This pregnancy has felt so different from my first one.  It’s like I keep hearing God whisper to me, teaching me, shaping me, and reminding me that this child is GIFT.  I always just thought this was the next step—first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby, right??  Now I feel like I’m hit with stories all around me about loss and tragedy—from miscarriage to terminally ill children, to accidents and unforeseen events.  Children are a gift, just like each day we are given is a gift.  God has been whispering to my heart to hold loosely to this world.  Nothing on earth should become so important to me that I tighten my grip, not surrendering it to God to control.  Instead we should hold it all with an open palm – extending out to Him.

I realize, in hindsight, I was holding the dream of having a family in a tight fist, close to my chest.  Becoming a mother was almost an idol to me—and then my worst nightmare came true and that dream was stolen from me.  It was in that hard season that God showed me I was doing this; that I wasn’t trusting the plan He has for me, for Newton and I’s family.  I don’t think the miscarriage was punishment.  I don’t think I deserved it because I wasn’t trusting God with our family, but I do think God used that situation to teach me, to continue to sanctify me. 

He knows just what we need, even when we don’t.  This pregnancy has looked a lot different.  I think God every day for Logan.  I have so much anticipation for April, so much joy already from being his Momma.  I dream about what he will be like, what our family will look like, seeing Newton with a son.  But at the end of the day I have this overwhelming peace that no matter what happens, good, bad or ugly, that God has got it under control.  That He knows best.  That anything I experience – joy or pain – on earth is but a split second in comparison to the abundant life waiting for me in eternity. 

I have “believed” and “given my heart to Christ” since I was 7 years old.  I think it took me twenty years, though, to truly TRUST Him.  To fully experience pain in this life and then the redemption He can bring.  I would never wish hurt, pain, miscarriage, illness, etc. on anyone, but I can say I am so thankful for how God’s hand has written my story.  

23 Weeks

Oooohh, we’re (over) halfway there…!

Little Logan,

So much has happened since the last letter I wrote you.  Most importantly we found out you are our little man!  We could not be more excited to have a son.  There is something so special to Momma about seeing your dad with a boy.  I will be honest, I’m a little nervous.  Momma grew up with five younger sisters and has NO idea what to do with a little boy!  I have no doubt you will be my greatest adventure.  We are praying for you, for a healthy remainder of the pregnancy and delivery, for the first couple of weeks as we adjust to life with you, but most importantly that you become a man of God.

Words cannot describe the love I feel for you already, little one.  You have captured my heart and it’s been so exciting to watch you grow over the last couple of months.  Along with my expanding stomach, I’m starting to feel you kick.  It’s the most wonderful feeling in the world to know you are active!  You move the most around 11 pm—it makes me wonder if you will be a night owl like your dad.  I think your dad is a little jealous he can’t feel you quite yet.

Momma is starting to really get ready for you; picking out your nursery, buying you clothes and other little items.  I can’t hardly wait for the next couple of months to pass!  There is so much I wonder about and can’t wait to find out about you. 

We feel so lucky that God has entrusted you to us, Logan Charles.  We love you to the moon and back.

Momma

little nugget, letter three.

10/20/2013

Nugget,

This has been such a joyful weekend!  On Friday, your dad and I went to our 14 week appointment for an ultrasound.  The doctor couldn’t find your heartbeat and after 10 painfully scary minutes, we were able to see you on a sonogram.  There is no way to describe the emotions at seen you for the first time.  We saw your little feet, your hands making fists, the shadow of your face, your spine and your strong heart beating.  It moves me to tears thinking about it right now.  I cannot believe you are real sometimes!

Immediately after the appointment, once we were sure everything was okay, we formally “announced” we were pregnant.  This didn’t come as a shock to too many people, since your dad and I are terrible at keeping secrets about ourselves.  There have been so many people praying for you, little one, and so many people that are celebrating your health and growth.  You are one loved little baby.  It is so exciting to be past the first trimester and feel so much of the fear and anxiety be replaced with excitement, hope and joy!

“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him.” 1 Samuel 1:27

have continued to take it easy on me—thank you!  I was nauseous and tired until about last week, but now I am on the upswing.  Right now I’m loving grapefruit and oranges – or anything citrus, really, which is fitting, as you are about the size of a navel orange right now.  We cannot wait to find out if you are our little boy or little girl.  Momma is putting her official guess in for boy but of course will be thrilled no matter what! 

Little one, I hope I never forget the anticipation of meeting you in April, I feel so lucky to be your Momma.

I love you forever and ever.

little nugget, letter two.

10/20/13 - We formally "announced" we were pregnant on Friday, 10/18.  I've been writing since we found out on August 9 but didn't want to post until we made it past the first trimester.  Today I am 14 weeks and 2 days pregnant with my little nugget, and all seems healthy and on track.  Here are several posts and letters from the past three months.

9/22/13

Little one,

What a precious birthday gift it was for me to hear your heartbeat on the ultrasound during our appointment Friday.  It was the sweetest sound in the world to hear your strong 164 beats per minute.  The doctor was able to find the heartbeat quickly and your dad and I both had tears in our eyes.  You are such a blessing and a miracle.

There has been much anxiety for me between the first time we got to see you and the second time.  So much can happen, so much can go wrong.  Your dad has been the best about reminding me that I have no control.  God knows exactly how our family should work out.  While I pray every day that I get to meet you in April, I have complete confidence in our loving Father, our perfect Creator that there is a divine plan so much greater than I could ever imagine.

Momma is really working on her worry and anxiety.  God is using you to stretch me in ways I never thought imaginable.  I am learning to be intentional, to savor every single minute I get to spend with you – something I pray I do not forget when you are in my arms and growing so quickly.  I am learning to accept myself, give grace to myself for not being perfect or having it all together.  I hate that there is so much fear and loss of innocence around these first few months, little one.  I hope you know how over the moon excited I am to be your Momma and that nothing overshadows that.  No matter what happens, God has used you to help redeem hope inside of me.  Thank you so much little one.  I cannot wait to meet you!

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

I love you forever and ever.

Momma   

little nugget, letter one.

10/20/13 - We formally "announced" we were pregnant on Friday, 10/18.  I've been writing since we found out on August 9 but didn't want to post until we made it past the first trimester.  Today I am 14 weeks and 2 days pregnant with my little nugget, and all seems healthy and on track.  Here are several posts and letters from the past three months.

8/29/13

Precious nugget,

It has been 20 days since we found out you existed and sometimes I have to keep reminding myself this isn’t a dream—you really are in there growing tiny ears and hands and feet!   I have wanted to write you a letter since your dad and I got the positive pregnancy test, but Momma has been scared.  A little scared to get too attached and then lose you.  Precious one, I don’t want to live that way and my prayer for you is that you don’t live in fear on this earth.  I want to enjoy every minute I have with you—pregnancy all the way through watching you have children of your own one day, God willing.  Little one, we are so unbelievably excited knowing you are ours.

Your dad and I found out on a Friday morning that you were going to join our family.  Momma got up for a run with Sadie and could hardly make it around the block.  I came home and felt off so took a test—much to my surprise it was positive!  I ran over to tell your dad who was still fast asleep and told him we were pregnant.  He rolled over, looked at me, gave me a hug and then said “wait, what??”  That is the fastest I have ever seen him get out of bed!

After we found out we told family and close friends so they could be praying for you, little one. You have the best prayer warriors we could ask for.  On Monday, 8/26, we had our first doctor’s appointment.  Your dad and I prayed all the way from the car to the waiting room for you and the happiest of tears ran down my face as we saw you on the sonogram and heard your strong 119 beats/minute heartbeat.  That is the sweetest sound, little one.  Don’t tell your dad, but he shed a tear or two as well.

You are going pretty easy on me so far—a little nausea but nothing I can really complain about.  All I’m craving right now is sweets and carbs and your dad keeps telling me to eat them!  You better learn to love your stroller so we can work off this baby weight, little one.  I am counting down the days until April when I can hold you in my arms.

Momma loves you more than I can tell you.  Forever and ever.

Momma

week seven.

10/20/13 - We formally "announced" we were pregnant on Friday, 10/18.  I've been writing since we found out on August 9 but didn't want to post until we made it past the first trimester.  Today I am 14 weeks and 2 days pregnant with my little nugget, and all seems healthy and on track.  Here are several posts and letters from the past three months.

This week I have officially known I was pregnant longer than my first pregnancy and have made it past the point when we lost the baby at the end of January.  I wanted so badly to write letters to this little nugget as I started to in the last pregnancy but I couldn’t bring myself to do it until I passed this “milestone.”  There are so many emotions, I don’t even know where to start. 

Hope

Excitement

Anxiousness

Joy

Fear

Happiness

Loss

It’s a strange feeling to know that if everything had worked out in my last pregnancy I wouldn’t have the child growing inside me who I hope to meet in April.  How do you reconcile the sadness at the loss of one baby with the excitement and hope for another?  It almost feels like picking favorites.  In some ways I almost feel guilty, like having this baby is forgetting the first. 

Then I stop and remind myself that God has a PERFECT plan for me and for our family.  Whatever child He blesses us with is the exact child he planned for Newton and I to be parents to on this earth.  Sometimes we don’t understand His ways, His reasoning, His timing but we can be assured He knows best.  We have but a short glimpse with this life of the eternity God can see. 

Overall, though, the emotion I feel the most is hope.  Everything about this pregnancy feels different and right in a way.  I was with Newton when I found out we were pregnant, I have had more pregnancy “symptoms,” there is not this constant worry I felt last time.  There is more peace.  More trust.  I’ve faced the difficulty of losing a pregnancy and we made it through and came out stronger.  While I selfishly pray, and even sometimes beg God, for a healthy baby in my arms in April, I know whatever happens, He is enough. 

He is enough. 

Praise Jesus.

Here we go again!

10/20/13 - We formally "announced" we were pregnant on Friday, 10/18.  I've been writing since we found out on August 9 but didn't want to post until we made it past the first trimester.  Today I am 14 weeks and 2 days pregnant with my little nugget, and all seems healthy and on track.  Here are several posts and letters from the past three months.

Today, 8/9, I found out I was pregnant.  My body has been rebelling since I lost our baby at the end of January so I was surprised.  Now I am cautiously optimistic.  Literally, I was prepared to call the doctor to go on medicine next month to help get pregnant and now here we go again! 

I take back any optimism, I’m terrified. 

Raw fear. 

In the last 12 hours I have replayed every “bad” decision I made in the last two weeks – drinking wine, eating sushi, getting a massage, intense workouts, eating soft cheeses, riding a bike and drinking non-pasteurized juice.  What was I thinking?

And then Newton stopped me.  He reminded me God is bigger. 

God is bigger than my choices.  God is bigger than everything I can do to prepare for this pregnancy.  God is bigger than the future I can envision.  He is bigger.  He can turn water to wine.  He can part the seas.  He can empower the little David to overpower the great Goliath.  He can shut the mouths of Lions.  He can raise the dead. 

God is bigger.

I don’t know what this pregnancy will hold.  I’m not promised tomorrow for myself or for this little nugget.  I am scared.  I wish I wasn’t.  I wish I was boldly confident. 

But God is BIGGER. 

He is bigger than the fear, the pain, the emotion.  He loves me and has a perfect plan.  All I need to do is sit back and let him steer the ship.  Thank you, Father God, for blessing me with a second pregnancy.  I surrender all to you.