Hold Loosley

This pregnancy has felt so different from my first one.  It’s like I keep hearing God whisper to me, teaching me, shaping me, and reminding me that this child is GIFT.  I always just thought this was the next step—first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby, right??  Now I feel like I’m hit with stories all around me about loss and tragedy—from miscarriage to terminally ill children, to accidents and unforeseen events.  Children are a gift, just like each day we are given is a gift.  God has been whispering to my heart to hold loosely to this world.  Nothing on earth should become so important to me that I tighten my grip, not surrendering it to God to control.  Instead we should hold it all with an open palm – extending out to Him.

I realize, in hindsight, I was holding the dream of having a family in a tight fist, close to my chest.  Becoming a mother was almost an idol to me—and then my worst nightmare came true and that dream was stolen from me.  It was in that hard season that God showed me I was doing this; that I wasn’t trusting the plan He has for me, for Newton and I’s family.  I don’t think the miscarriage was punishment.  I don’t think I deserved it because I wasn’t trusting God with our family, but I do think God used that situation to teach me, to continue to sanctify me. 

He knows just what we need, even when we don’t.  This pregnancy has looked a lot different.  I think God every day for Logan.  I have so much anticipation for April, so much joy already from being his Momma.  I dream about what he will be like, what our family will look like, seeing Newton with a son.  But at the end of the day I have this overwhelming peace that no matter what happens, good, bad or ugly, that God has got it under control.  That He knows best.  That anything I experience – joy or pain – on earth is but a split second in comparison to the abundant life waiting for me in eternity. 

I have “believed” and “given my heart to Christ” since I was 7 years old.  I think it took me twenty years, though, to truly TRUST Him.  To fully experience pain in this life and then the redemption He can bring.  I would never wish hurt, pain, miscarriage, illness, etc. on anyone, but I can say I am so thankful for how God’s hand has written my story.  

23 Weeks

Oooohh, we’re (over) halfway there…!

Little Logan,

So much has happened since the last letter I wrote you.  Most importantly we found out you are our little man!  We could not be more excited to have a son.  There is something so special to Momma about seeing your dad with a boy.  I will be honest, I’m a little nervous.  Momma grew up with five younger sisters and has NO idea what to do with a little boy!  I have no doubt you will be my greatest adventure.  We are praying for you, for a healthy remainder of the pregnancy and delivery, for the first couple of weeks as we adjust to life with you, but most importantly that you become a man of God.

Words cannot describe the love I feel for you already, little one.  You have captured my heart and it’s been so exciting to watch you grow over the last couple of months.  Along with my expanding stomach, I’m starting to feel you kick.  It’s the most wonderful feeling in the world to know you are active!  You move the most around 11 pm—it makes me wonder if you will be a night owl like your dad.  I think your dad is a little jealous he can’t feel you quite yet.

Momma is starting to really get ready for you; picking out your nursery, buying you clothes and other little items.  I can’t hardly wait for the next couple of months to pass!  There is so much I wonder about and can’t wait to find out about you. 

We feel so lucky that God has entrusted you to us, Logan Charles.  We love you to the moon and back.

Momma