week seven.

10/20/13 - We formally "announced" we were pregnant on Friday, 10/18.  I've been writing since we found out on August 9 but didn't want to post until we made it past the first trimester.  Today I am 14 weeks and 2 days pregnant with my little nugget, and all seems healthy and on track.  Here are several posts and letters from the past three months.

This week I have officially known I was pregnant longer than my first pregnancy and have made it past the point when we lost the baby at the end of January.  I wanted so badly to write letters to this little nugget as I started to in the last pregnancy but I couldn’t bring myself to do it until I passed this “milestone.”  There are so many emotions, I don’t even know where to start. 

Hope

Excitement

Anxiousness

Joy

Fear

Happiness

Loss

It’s a strange feeling to know that if everything had worked out in my last pregnancy I wouldn’t have the child growing inside me who I hope to meet in April.  How do you reconcile the sadness at the loss of one baby with the excitement and hope for another?  It almost feels like picking favorites.  In some ways I almost feel guilty, like having this baby is forgetting the first. 

Then I stop and remind myself that God has a PERFECT plan for me and for our family.  Whatever child He blesses us with is the exact child he planned for Newton and I to be parents to on this earth.  Sometimes we don’t understand His ways, His reasoning, His timing but we can be assured He knows best.  We have but a short glimpse with this life of the eternity God can see. 

Overall, though, the emotion I feel the most is hope.  Everything about this pregnancy feels different and right in a way.  I was with Newton when I found out we were pregnant, I have had more pregnancy “symptoms,” there is not this constant worry I felt last time.  There is more peace.  More trust.  I’ve faced the difficulty of losing a pregnancy and we made it through and came out stronger.  While I selfishly pray, and even sometimes beg God, for a healthy baby in my arms in April, I know whatever happens, He is enough. 

He is enough. 

Praise Jesus.